The Winged Life
A model for living
Just yesterday my friend, Erik Thompson1, sent me a small poem by William Blake (1757-1827):
He who binds himself to a joy
Does the winged life destroy;
He who kisses the joy as it flies
Lives in eternities sunrise.
Erik posed the question of whether or not Blake’s poem of the “winged life” could be read as analogous to the process of differentiation. Differentiation is often summarized as the capacity to be a self while relating to important others. The concept comes out of the work of Murray Bowen (1913 – 1990), who pioneered a theory of the family as the emotional unit (rather than the individual) and posited that there is an emotionally-driven relationship component to all human symptomologies. Less differentiation means less capacity to be a self with others, and more unclear mingling of selves, which is connected to the symptoms that emerge and get expressed. Higher differentiation equates to more self, less unclear mingling, and better outcomes.
Bowen saw the force that calls us to differentiate as rooted in nature, acting like a distant drumbeat that beckons us forward. His theory implies that all of nature is seeking to unfold into its most perfect form, and that happens in relationship.
Blake too is expressing an insight into human nature. His poem points toward a deep truth: when we bind ourselves to external things, be they objects or ideas, we set ourselves on a self-destructive path, but when we are oriented from within ourselves, we can appreciate the unfolding beauty of life, moment by moment.
Binding oneself to external things is an overidentification, and a giving up of energy and self to something outside of our being. We can bind ourselves, as Blake wrote, to joy, or as my friend has written, with “the joy taken in a child or spouse. Or it could be alcohol, extreme skiing or Lady Gaga.” The essential point is not that these things are ‘bad’ or ‘good’ in and of themselves, but that we overidentify with them. The overidentification is an expression of Bowen’s idea of undifferentiation, or a lack of self which is mitigated by the mechanism of clinging and binding. This overidentification eventually leads to the destruction of joy and pleasure. Any person that has struggled with addiction has lived this acutely.
It is almost as if, writes Erik, “life’s immune system senses the foreign object and attacks the host psychologically, destroying their freedom.”
The attempt to add to self by clinging to an external object is a short-term solution to the anxiety or discomfort of the moment. However, it is not a long-term solution. When we bind ourselves to something external in an attempt to add or complete ourselves it cannot work because the self cannot be completed by adding-in externalities; you can never ‘get’ enough of something external to make a self.
The self can only change and grow from a deep internal process. Blake, like Bowen, seems to be saying the position of kissing the joy as it flies is aligned with nature itself, and thus our true nature as humans. Erik wrote, “The winged quality of our associations leaves us free—and them free. Their wings are left intact. And so are ours. We are responsible to them, but not for them, nor them for us.”
When we are free from externalities, when we are operating from within self, we can move with greater freedom and confidence to the ebb and flow of life, and in even the hardest days see the small joy, the pinprick of light in the dark, and we can experience ourselves and others on a deeper level. The joy taken in our child and spouse becomes enriched and enlivened. The connections in our lives vibrate with a new brightness, beauty, and warmth. We are more ourselves and allow others to more themselves, and that is a joy worth experiencing over and over. There is no need to bind to it. It is ever present and available.
Blake and Bowen are offering a path in seeming contrast to the world we live in, a world which seems to be so concerned with getting, grabbing, and clinging to things. But perhaps that is what is contributing to the symptoms of our time, we have all given up self to externalities, binding ourselves to things we believe are ‘answers’ rather than finding our way back to the natural rhythms of life and allowing the answers to emerge from there.
He who binds himself to a joy
Does the winged life destroy;
He who kisses the joy as it flies
Lives in eternities sunrise.
I hope you unbind yourself, and find the winged-ness of life, of your life, again. Every moment has its sunrise. All we have to do is find the freedom to that allows us to see it. That freedom is what Blake and Bowen saw as the natural state available to us if we are daring and courageous enough to live it.
Learn more about Erik Thompson’s work
https://thompsonleadership.com/
https://vermontcenterforfamilystudies.org/